i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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