I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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