Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize