Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
