Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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