I faked an abortion last night.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
