This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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