you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
