I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
