I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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