I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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