just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just cropdusted the office
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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