I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
