Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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