I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
