it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
