hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
