this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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