Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
