Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
