God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
