I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
