ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
