I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
