I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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