I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
