Don't make out with my wife yet
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
