The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
