C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
