Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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