Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
