You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
