Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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