If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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