You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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