I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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