hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
