How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
