Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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