I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
