my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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