I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
