Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize