i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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