I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
