I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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