Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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