I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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