I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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