She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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