i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize