sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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