I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
