That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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