you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
