if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize