You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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