you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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