i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
