I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
