Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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