I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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