NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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