I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
