I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
